Monday, August 29, 2011


My baby is 2 1/2 months old - she will officially hit the 11 week mark tomorrow. This precious time as a newborn has flown by faster than I ever though imaginable, and soon it will be over. My bouncing baby girl is now a hefty 13 pounds, and her tootsies hang over the edge of the bouncer that dwarfed her when I brought her home.

For the most part she is such an easy baby... excluding growth spurts and illness, she hardly ever cries unless she needs something. Despite issues with reflux, she eats well (as being in the 90th percentile for weight will doubtless prove) and is a world-champion snuggler.

I treasure those quiet moments in the early morning that I nurse her and am rewarded with a sleepy smile before she allows herself to be lulled back into dreamland.

And I dread the time that I am away from her. (Allow me to be upset for a moment...)

I keep hearing the same thing from people in regards to leaving her to go to work...

"It will get easier."

My question in return is, "When?"

It has been a month and 5 days since going back to work, and it still rips my heart out to climb in my car knowing I'm not going to see her until the end of the day, wondering what I'm going to miss while I'm gone, desperately wanting to rush back, take her into my arms and rub my cheek against her sweet downy head.

At my 6 week postpartum visit with Dr. W, she let me in on what I'm afraid is going to be my reality. It doesn't get any easier- there might just come a time where I am in a place of acceptance. She said my heart would always hurt over the time I'm going to miss with her. My question again, is "When- when will this acceptance come?"

I need something to give- there are days (usually the ones that I'm not working) that I think I'm okay with being a working mom. Then Monday morning rolls around and I find myself back in the same place - struggling - to tear myself away from her and focus on working.

Don't get me wrong- my point of objection about working has nothing to do with the care she receives when I'm away. Her daddy does a fantastic job of parenting her by himself during the weekdays and although he might not need me to be there, I want to be so much it hurts. I know it doesn't hurt Carys for me to be away- she probably doesn't even notice when I'm gone. I do love the big smiles I get when I get home. I suppose it is selfish reasoning on my part to want to stay home so much. Regardless of my reality, I find myself hoping that something will change, things will get better for us financially, or I'll find some way to make supplemental income from home - and I'll get to make my job just being wife and mommy.

I know there are plenty of women who are in a more difficult situation than I am. I know that Carys doesn't have to go to daycare, and I'm not working full-time... but does this invalidate my feelings about my situation?

I know that it isn't realistic (a word I find myself using more and more these days) for me to be a full time stay at home mom right now, but that doesn't keep me from wanting it. I guess I just need something to change. I need to adjust, accept, whatever it is that will make me feel better.

And I need to do it soon.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time sweetie :( I do remember the feeling I had everytime I had to leave Noah with Bryan when I worked for a few months before Noah turned 5 months. I would pace in the bathroom pumping breastmilk and cry bc it just didn't feel right. Being there, and not having him with me. I was terrified it would affect our bond, and worried Bryan might not be capable of taking perfect care of him. I did what you have been doing and used words like "realistic" and "good reason", knowing I didn't really have another choice. I'm praying for you, and although it hurts now just remember you ARE doing this all for a good reason and you're making a sacrifice for the betterment of your family and your situation. Your rainbow will come one day but for now I pray you find peace with your current struggles. God has a plan in all He does. Just keep that in your mind, as I've had to in mine, and let that be a comfort to you. Love n hugs