Friday, May 27, 2011

One month away...

Today is one month to the date from Carys' due date, on Monday we will reach the 36 week benchmark and I will stop taking the medication that keeps my contractions in check. I have an appointment this afternoon with Dr. W, and I'm interested to see if the contractions and cramping I have been experiencing have changed the conditions of my cervix any (at last check I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced).

The last couple of weeks have been kind of a roller coaster ride physically, mentally and emotionally, and I think I'm getting to the end of my rope (I'm glad the gestation period for humans isn't any longer). I can't really think of any better way to describe it than this;

I'm going through some stuff right now.

I thought things would become easier the closer I got to her due date, but this is by far the most difficult stretch I've had thus far. I'm not even sure exactly how to 'fix' anything right now. My body is exhausted, but the most trying part is the emotional strain. There is such a trying myriad of emotions that is setting in - anxiety about when she will arrive, anticipation of holding her for the first time and bringing her home, a sense of sadness that my life will irrevocably be changed, and feelings of joy and excitement for the very same reason.

I am saying goodbye to the person I was before Carys, embracing this new role as mother and trying to stay afloat in this stressful new sea of fears that came with the revelation that I am going to be a parent. It feels like growing pains, almost. Everything is changing. It's necessary, it's good, and it opens the door to an entirely new, wonderful experience, but it is also one of the scariest times of my life. My mind stays filled with worries.

Is she/will she be okay?
What if she is stillborn?
What if something happens to her during delivery?
How would I ever cope if I lost her?
Will my body be capable of birthing her?
What if I'm not ready for this?
What if my maternal instincts aren't enough?
Will people try to steamroll me when it comes to parenting, and if they try will I have the backbone to stand up for what I feel is right?
Will I be able to find my voice as her mother and protector?
What if she doesn't love me?
Will I know how to take care of her?
What if something is wrong with her?

and the big one...

What if I'm not a good mom?

I am not afforded the luxury of testing the waters with a toe and 'working my way in' to motherhood - it is a flying leap into the unknown. It's terrifying, stressful, exhilarating, and joyous, but most of all...



  1. Girl,

    I want to slap you but I want to hug you even more! :) Please don't take offense to that. I just sink when I hear all the questions going through your mind, as if this time is not stressful enough just thinking about labor and delivery. Let me disspell some of those myths:

    1. You are going to be an AMAZING mom. Everyone knows it, including you (deep down inside).
    2. There is no voice that Carys will recognize more than her mommy's. Trust me from having gone through this.
    3. You ARE ready. :) The stupid magazines and online articles will tell you differently, but imagine how those people make it as mothers when they don't find out until LABOR that they are having a baby!!! Can you even imagine? Sheesh.
    4. When it comes to your daughter, trust me... your maternal insticts will kick in unlike anything you've ever known. No person or advice will be good enough for her. "Mommy and daddy know best" takes on a whole new meaning after her birth.
    5. Everything will be okay with Miss Carys! The Lord brought you all this far and I have faith that He will see you through.

    You all are amazing people. I can't wait to see you as parents.

    Love love.

  2. I'm so proud of you Manda. I *know* you will be the best mother to our little girl that is possible. I *know* it.

    We both have self doubts as to the kind of parents we'll be, but at no time have I ever questioned *your* ability to be a mother. There is not a single person in this world I would rather have taking on that role than you.

    Everyday (even our very few difficult ones) you amaze me in some way. I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone, and soon, that love will spread to *our* little girl.

    It is scary, and it will always be scary in some ways, but I know with you at my side, Carys is going to grow up to be a beautiful and astounding person.

  3. Manda and Jeremy You will both be amazing parents.Carys is one lucky little girl to have you guys as her parents. Manda it is tough at times to be a mother but from the short times we have spent together I can see what an wonderful and loving spirit that you have. And Carys will know and sense this . You will be the most important person in her life. When you hold her in your arms you will know what to do. And you have a wonderful and strong husband to help you. You two are getting ready to embark on a special and exciting journey in your lives together. And have the time of your life. We love you guys. :)