Today is one month to the date from Carys' due date, on Monday we will reach the 36 week benchmark and I will stop taking the medication that keeps my contractions in check. I have an appointment this afternoon with Dr. W, and I'm interested to see if the contractions and cramping I have been experiencing have changed the conditions of my cervix any (at last check I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced).
The last couple of weeks have been kind of a roller coaster ride physically, mentally and emotionally, and I think I'm getting to the end of my rope (I'm glad the gestation period for humans isn't any longer). I can't really think of any better way to describe it than this;
I'm going through some stuff right now.
I thought things would become easier the closer I got to her due date, but this is by far the most difficult stretch I've had thus far. I'm not even sure exactly how to 'fix' anything right now. My body is exhausted, but the most trying part is the emotional strain. There is such a trying myriad of emotions that is setting in - anxiety about when she will arrive, anticipation of holding her for the first time and bringing her home, a sense of sadness that my life will irrevocably be changed, and feelings of joy and excitement for the very same reason.
I am saying goodbye to the person I was before Carys, embracing this new role as mother and trying to stay afloat in this stressful new sea of fears that came with the revelation that I am going to be a parent. It feels like growing pains, almost. Everything is changing. It's necessary, it's good, and it opens the door to an entirely new, wonderful experience, but it is also one of the scariest times of my life. My mind stays filled with worries.
Is she/will she be okay?
What if she is stillborn?
What if something happens to her during delivery?
How would I ever cope if I lost her?
Will my body be capable of birthing her?
What if I'm not ready for this?
What if my maternal instincts aren't enough?
Will people try to steamroll me when it comes to parenting, and if they try will I have the backbone to stand up for what I feel is right?
Will I be able to find my voice as her mother and protector?
What if she doesn't love me?
Will I know how to take care of her?
What if something is wrong with her?
and the big one...
What if I'm not a good mom?
I am not afforded the luxury of testing the waters with a toe and 'working my way in' to motherhood - it is a flying leap into the unknown. It's terrifying, stressful, exhilarating, and joyous, but most of all...
It is HAPPENING.