I love Mondays...

Mondays have become something of a mini-holiday for me. Each new Monday marks the passage of another full week in gestation for Carys.

Today is 25 weeks!

This week her lungs are continuing to develop, and her nostrils have opened to allow practice 'breaths'. Apparently, she's also looking a little more pink due to the formation and filling of blood of new capillaries.

Every day that passes now is extra time for her lungs to grow and mature. According to viability statistics, she now has a 50% chance of survival if born this week. Next week the rate of survival will jump to 80%. I am painfully aware as ever that nothing is guaranteed, but those numbers make it a lot easier to sleep at night.

In other news, if I wasn't feeling pregnant before I definitely am now. There was a brief honeymoon period in between the first trimester and now because I wasn't suffering from morning (morning/noon/night sickness... who the heck decided to mislead first time moms by alluding that you only get sick in the morning?!) sickness, my appetite was back and I wasn't big enough to be uncomfortable yet. Well, as they say, the honeymoon is over -- I have to eat several small meals and try to space out my water intake over the day or I am too uncomfortable to sit. Her kicks are forceful enough to be painful if she hits the right spot these days, and regular sleep is a thing of the past!

J told me in no uncertain terms the other day that he is ready for me to not be pregnant anymore. I don't blame him, I know I'm not fun to be around right now. Being uncomfortable most of the time makes me grouchy, and it's hard to not be snappish and whiny. I know he's ready to have his wife back and I'm eager to have her here and to try and get my comfortable, pre-pregnancy body back. Right now I feel like just an incubator! More than anything, it's important to both of us that she stay in and cook until she's good and ready, but pregnancy is not the warm, fuzzy experience I always imagined it to be. Don't get me wrong, I love that I'm pregnant- I love getting to feel my baby move and watching my body change to accomodate her, but there are a host of uncomfortable side effects that come with carrying another person around that I never knew about! I guess some part of my naive subconscious thought that my pregnancy would be the exception to the rule and I'd coast through it like a warm knife through butter. :)

She's so worth it, though. To be honest, I wouldn't trade this experience for the world- labor scares, painful back, itchy skin, morning sickness (and on and on) and all!! And some day, when we're ready to expand our little family again, I'll happily (well, mostly) go through the process all over again.

The countdown is at 105 days, we still have quite a ways to go. Hopefully hubby will continue patiently putting up with me, mood swings and all, until she gets here!

Connections.

Since I'm not working right now, I have a great deal more free time on my hands. I'm still trying to be productive and clean/keep house while getting the baby's room ready, but there's still down time. This week I started reading other blogs and even followed a few. I hope at some point I can establish connections/friendships with other mommy bloggers - I am well aware that my blog isn't super interesting right now to people that aren't directly related to the events going in my pregnancy, but I expect that to change when baby girl gets here. I'm sure the subject will shift from the normal going ons of my life to hers. I'm okay with that.

I love reading about the experiences other mothers are having with their kids, though- on some level I hope that hearing about some of their struggles will better equip me to deal with the newness of parenthood in three and a half months.

108 days to go. That blows my mind. The closer we get, the more I am aware that we are not ready! Her room is not anywhere close to being ready- we're still using it as storage until we have a chance to move the rest of our winter things to my in-law's attic. The only thing in there that is baby related at all is a twin sized bed (for visitors or myself to sleep in when she moves from our room to her own) a few outfits hanging in her closet and a box of newborn diapers. That is it. Beyond the physical preparedness, though, I feel overwhelmed by the changes that are coming. The focus of my entire life is shifting to this tiny little person inside of me. She is the subject of the vast majority of my thoughts, and every little plan I make now is with her in mind. I hope that I am able to take care of her the way she deserves to be taken care of. If my daughter loves me even a fraction as much as I love her, it will be more than enough. I am still getting used to those words.

My daughter.

I've heard stories all my life about the love parents have for their children, and up until this point I thought I understood. It was like my love for my own parents, my siblings, or for my grandparents. And it is, in a way. I love her just for being who she is.

I even likened it to the love I have for my husband- he is my family and when I imagined having children in the past, I always thought of the depth of the love I have for my husband as comparison for how much I would love my child. He is my soulmate, my best friend. I love being around him, I love continuing to get to know him, and I love the journey we're on together.

But it is so much more.

I have always kind of been the protective mama hen to my 5 siblings and I still am. I fought for them when we were kids on a fairly regular basis. Make no mistake, I am still protective of them, even as they transition, one by one, into adulthood. I feel a sense of responsibility for them, and pride at watching them grow and take their own paths in life. I love them more than life and would sacrifice myself for them without giving it a second thought.

But my love for my baby- there is a savage fierceness to it that I have never experienced and didn't expect. Kind of a primal maternal bond, even though I have yet to hold her in my arms. I get the mama bear reference now. Everything I do, everything I am from this point forward plays a supportive role to the most important job I've ever had - mother.

I know I say this a lot, but it's only because it's still as true now as it ever was. I am so thankful that her daddy is who he is. I am so thankful that she has the grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., that she has.

We may not have a lot of money, but Carys is being born into a wealth of loving family.

A little bit closer...

Today Carys is 24 weeks! Although this doesn't mean we are 'out of the woods' by any stretch of the imagination, it means that if I go into labor any time soon, she's got a fighting chance. I am still cautious, but hopeful. I am coming out of the phase where I am made nervous by every little twinge and ache, and am able to relax a little bit about the prospects of our future. I still feel like a passenger on a rollercoaster, but it's not as scary as it used to be.

I spend a lot of time thinking about my pregnancy, and the impact my little girl has already had on my life. The happiest experience of my life is also a tremendous exercise in trust for both myself and my husband, because we have no control over things.

The difficult part for me was not accepting that God is in control, because there is no disputing that - He just is. The hard pill to swallow was knowing that He is in control and trusting that His will is perfect. It's hard to be satisfied with just, "don't worry, God is in control," when you're worried that His plan might separate you from the child you carry.

My husband carries an even bigger burden than I do, in my opinion. This whole pregnancy he's had to trust that I will do the things I need to take care of our little girl. He can make suggestions, but ultimately it is my job to eat and drink the things she needs, and he can't always be put at ease by feeling her move around like I can. He has to rely solely on me to protect his little girl, and do all that I can to bring her into the world safely. I am honored that he chose to gift me with this responsibility- although she was a surprise, she was certainly a choice.

In lighter news, I finally found a nursery set that I love- it's a pricey one, but so sweet. We don't have a crib yet, but hopefully we'll be able to find one in our price range that fits our needs soon. Her nursery is slowly starting to come together- every day is closer to bringing her home.

Busy, busy day...

Today we had our 24 (almost) week appointment with Dr. W. Although all of the physicians at the Womens' Center are competent, fantastic physicians, Dr. W is special to me because she has been with since the beginning of our journey. She is the one that helped us through infertility treatments, and she knows who I am. A brag on the Womens' Center - I have never felt like just a chart number at their office (this is a big deal to me after a harrowing experience with an uncaring OB/GYN in TX that put me through the wringer). Dr. W knows who I am, she remembers specific details about me without having to refer to my chart, and she was genuinely thrilled for us when she found out that we'd conceived on our own. She also accurately predicted Carys' gender at 8 weeks - she said she got a 'girl vibe' from her, and she was right!

So anyway, we talked briefly about the hospital visit. She said that she wasn't concerned at the moment about the contractions because of our negative result on the fFN (fetal fibronectin) test but wanted to be cautious. I will be switching early from checkups every 4 weeks to checkups every 2 weeks and a fFN test at every visit to watch for signs of premature labor. She told me that because I was small when I got pregnant that my body (and back in particular) is having a difficult time adjusting to carrying the extra weight, especially as far forward as the baby is. Her thoughts were that a bigger part of my problem was the back pain I was having and so she recommended that I continue taking the muscle relaxer they gave me in my first trimester as needed and that I continue resting when I start to hurt or feel like I need it. Her exact words were, "Sometimes we're not smart enough to stop when something hurts..." ha ha - can she see into my house?! I have a very difficult time stopping what I'm doing when I'm right in the middle of a project. She didn't see any reason for me to be on bedrest at this time(Yippee!). She told me bedrest was the worst thing they do to pregnant women. She's right, I'm sure! It may sound like a picnic to just lay around and watch t.v. all day, but it gets really old, really fast, especially when your brain is screaming at you to clean and organize. I'm glad to still be able to do some of the things I want. Overall, it was a very positive appointment and I'm happy at the outcome. I feel like J and I will be able to be more relaxed if we have a negative fFN test every two weeks. It is a very accurate determination of preterm labor, and Dr. W said that if you have a negative result, you can take it to the bank that you will not be delivering for at least two weeks. I am worried about the cost of the additional visits because our insurance doesn't cover 100% after our deductible, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter much. What does matter is a happy, healthy little Junebug. :)


Speaking of Carys, we also got the opportunity to attend an early run for the Wee Cycle Childrens' Consignment Sale. I was hoping to find some bigger pieces of furniture because the things there are considerably cheaper than buying new! They are all gently used items but you can get really nice things at a fraction of the original retail price and for a family living on one income at the moment, that is a BIG selling point. I didn't find a crib or bedding set that I loved (I don't know what my malfunction is with finding bedding for her nursery - I see a lot of things that I like 'okay', but I keep feeling like I'm going to find 'the one' so I hold out... lol... geez - should not be this complicated!!) but we found this bouncer (that retailed for $50.00) for $15.00.

It was a little dirty, but the whole fabric part comes right off and goes into the washing machine (I checked before buying), and it came clean right away with a little elbow grease and some Shout.

My big prize of the evening was a Chicco Pack and Play Lullaby LX - retails for $190 or so, and we found one in great shape for $90.00! It came from a house where it was obviously well taken care of - it doesn't look like it was used much at all.

Ours is the same exact model but the accent colors are a little different - it's gender neutral, though, so if we are blessed with a little boy next time it'll be his, too!

It was assembled in store and we had to break it down to put it in the car. We were trying to figure out how everything worked (it isn't complicated if you know what you're doing but it was overwhelming to two people that didn't even know what a pack and play was 6 months ago), and it was clear that we had no idea what we were doing. A nice woman that was there with her husband, mother and son volunteered to show us exactly how to break it down and reassemble it. She was a pro! I think she could have done it in her sleep. She said she used the exact same one with her little boy and had nothing but good things to say about it. I'm glad she was around because we probably would've been there for an hour trying to figure it out ourselves.

I'm washing the covers to the P'n'P, too, but as soon as I have everything put together I'll post pictures of ours online.

Today was a busy day and I'm tired, but happy! I can't wait to get baby girl's nursery finished.

So excited to meet her...

Trying to breathe easier...

It's day 2 since our hospital visit, and I am focusing on taking it easy this week. My ultimate hope is that if I rest for a week or two whatever it is that was causing the contractions will resolve itself and I can go back to some sense of normalcy. It is a lot harder to not do much than I thought it would be. I kept thinking about things I wanted to do around the house yesterday - at least it was clean before this happened, it's just a matter of maintenance. But, as my dad told me yesterday, housework can (and will) wait. I am still doing light housework (putting dishes away, loading the dishwasher, etc.,) but nothing that requires any real exertion and I'm doing it at my own pace. My back started to hurt a little like it did before the contractions came yesterday, but I went to lie down right away and it subsided after a few minutes. I'm learning my boundaries and the new threshold of what my body is willing to handle. Right now the important thing is keeping Little Miss from making her great escape for a few more months. The silver lining is that Jeremy is a huge help and support to me, and has been throughout this whole pregnancy. He is doing such a good job taking care of me and the baby... I know he's going to be a great dad. He already is.

The nervousness has faded a little this morning, but it's still there - I don't think we'll really be able to relax until we're out of this scary pre-viability phase.

On the hydration front, I drank 120 oz. of water yesterday - I must've made 30 trips to the bathroom, but it's a very, very small price to pay.

I am thankful, as always, for another day with my baby girl - she made me smile this morning with how active she was right off the bat - she is definitely a morning baby. She was sleeping until Jeremy started talking to my belly, then she went nuts! She kicked the spot where his mouth was over and over... I like to think that she already recognizes her daddy's voice and was happy to hear him. What a sweet little girl...

Her Life is in His Hands...

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, they are plans for
good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

--Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)

I am still processing the events of the morning - it was one of the scariest of my life. I posted this story on a baby forum that I'm a member of, but I feel like I should recount it here, too, if only to remind me in the future how blessed I should feel for each day with Carys. I suppose I should start in the beginning...

I went to bed last night with some slight back pain, but didn't think much of it because it at the stage of pregnancy I'm in (well into my 2nd trimester at 22 weeks, 3 days) that's pretty par for the course. I managed to drift off to sleep, but woke up at 3:30 am in agonizing pain that radiated from my back to my abdomen accompanied by what I thought were cramps. I didn't know what was going on, and it scared me - I was made even more nervous by a lack of fetal movement. Carys must have been sleeping, but I prodded her until she moved around and I could breathe again. At that point going to the hospital crossed my mind, but I couldn't stop thinking about the portion of the expense that wouldn't be covered by insurance and ultimately decided to try to wait it out until 8 am when my doctor's office opened. The pain seemed to subside after a while and I was able to go back to sleep. A couple of hours later, I was awakened again by incredible pain in my back and radiating through to my abdomen. I laid there awake for a while, still stubbornly intent on waiting until 8 to call the doctor. A little past 6 when it became clear the pain was not going to go away, I woke up J and asked him what I should do. I ended up calling the hospital and speaking with one of the nurses in the Obstetrics department. She asked me a few questions, but when I mentioned my 'cramps', she asked me how soon I could be at the hospital. I told her 15-20 minutes and she told me they would be ready for me.

This is when things started to take on a more serious note. When we arrived at the hospital, they did my intake quickly and sure enough, a nurse was waiting with a wheelchair to bring me up to Labor & Delivery. As soon as we reached the room, I was instructed to change into a hospital gown and they hooked me up to some monitors, including a fetal heart monitor. She turned on the speaker while she tried to locate the heartbeat, and the three of us listened for it together. She was unable to find it, and my heart dropped out of my chest. Even though I had just felt her moving, my brain was screaming that something was wrong. It was the first time that the thought that I might be losing her sunk in. Before I had a chance to panic, however, she tried a different way to find the heartbeat (that we weren't able to hear... I'm not sure what the piece of equipment was, but it wasn't a Doppler, we couldn't hear the heartbeat) and within a few minutes told me the baby's heart rate was about 130 bpm. It turned out that Carys is still so small that a regular fetal heart monitor was unable to accurately pick up her heartbeat.

As soon as it was determined that the baby was not in any clear distress, they turned their attention to me. I was in pain still, but I felt that it was manageable. The nurse did a fetal fibronectin test (it determines the risk of premature labor based on the presence of the glue-like protein that attaches the amniotic sac to the lining of the uterus). She also collected a urine sample to check for bacterial infection. She told me that a lab tech would also be up to collect a blood sample, and that the doctor wanted to start an IV to make sure I was adequately hydrated. She asked if I wanted her to call the doctor and ask her to sign off on some pain medication... I initially declined (thinking I could handle it without help), but the nurse thought it would be best to at least get the doctor's clearance on it in case it worsened. I ended up being really glad she did, because not long after she left to go call the doctor, my pain started amping up with a vengeance. Within 10 minutes I was in agony - my body felt like it was ripping apart in the middle. Every muscle in my back/abdomen would clench, the pain continuing to build as they tightened, and then they would release, bringing me momentary relief. It happened over and over like clockwork. I have been through some painful experiences; broken cartilage in between my ribs after being bucked off a horse, an ovarian cyst the size of a hen's egg bursting without warning, a major knee injury and then later reconstruction and recovery, and an illness in childhood that made my liver swell up like a football... I have never felt anything remotely close to this in intensity. J pushed the call nurse button and she said she would be right in with the pain medication.

In order to administer what the doctor ordered (morphine push), they had to place the IV.
I am a notoriously difficult stick, and the poor nurse tried on both arms before blowing out a vein and calling in reinforcements. Not only are my veins small, they roll and it later turned out that I was dehydrated. After a second nurse arrived, she started trying to find a site on the inside of my elbow for the IV placement. At this point, I hurt so bad that tears were streaming down my cheeks and my stomach was rolling. I managed to sit still for one more stick, and it was the one that worked. They administered the morphine right away, and after a minute or two, although I was still hurting, it had taken the edge off enough for me to be able to relax. The nurse explained that I was presenting symptoms of kidney stones, and that as soon as the lab work all came back to confirm they could start treating me for them. The only thing left was to get the bloodwork done and wait for the doctor to get the test results and come up to discuss them with us. We had to have two lab techs try to get the blood also, resulting in 3 more sticks. Luckily the last three were post-morphine and although it hurt, I didn't care as much.

We waited for about 3 hours for the results and to talk to the doctor- she told me that to her surprise every bit of my labwork had come back normal. The bloodwork was great, and the urine didn't show the presence of any bacterial infection. My white blood cell count was actually better than most pregnant women. This ruled out the presence of kidney stones. It turned out that the pain I thought was cramping and back pain was actual contractions. Not Braxton Hicks, the real deal. The kind that are a prelude to labor. She said although she suspected they were brought on by dehydration, there's no way to be sure. I was instructed to hydrate and rest. If I have more contractions, I'll be readmitted to the hospital and given medicine to stop labor. The saving grace was that my cervix remained long and closed despite the contractions, and the fetal fibronectin test came back negative. So, for the meantime, baby girl is safe and sound where she's at. It shook me, however, how serious the doctor and nurses were about the posed danger from the contractions and how adamant they were that if I start having them again like I did today, to get back to the hospital ASAP.

She's just too little. She's still 2 weeks away from being considered 'viable' outside of the womb. If she had been born today, the chances of her being born without major medical issues (and at the very least surviving) wouldn't be good. J and I held it together (mostly) at the hospital, but as I sat in the car on the way home, the reality of the situation hit me and I couldn't help but cry. I have had this gift from God in my womb for almost 6 months - on a daily basis, I can feel her moving, stretching, kicking... she holds our hearts in her tiny little hands. Although I've never met her, I love her with every fiber of my being. I would lay down my life for my child in an instant. She will forever be my baby, no matter what happens to her, or me. And I cannot imagine saying goodbye to her.

The lesson that we are relearning today is that God is the only one in control. When we asked the doctor what we could do to keep it from happening again, she literally shrugged and threw up her hands. "Hydrate and rest, that's all you can do." That's not entirely true, however. We can also pray and there is a lot of that being done on our behalf. I trust that God has a plan for us, and that He didn't give us this precious little girl in the special way He did for nothing. No matter what happens, we have to keep our eyes on His faithfulness. He was faithful to give her to us when our struggles with infertility had us beaten down and defeated. He was faithful to carry us through the first trimester safely, and I believe He will be faithful to see us through to the end, whatever that might be. I trust that He will not give us more than we can handle with His help. I am so thankful for every moment He has given us with her, and as a dear friend told me I would have to do, I am giving her back to Him.

Tired but happy...

"So you shall rejoice in every good thing which the Lord your God has given to you and your house..."

--Deuteronomy 26:11

Today was (proudly) a pretty productive day. I managed to put away most of the rest of the things we moved over from the old house, cooked homemade vegetarian lasagna, and we had our first dinner guests (my wonderful in-laws) over. I still feel like there is a lot of cleaning and organizing to do, but I got a lot of things checked off my list. Carys' room is housing the things we will be putting into storage when we have a chance and I don't have any baby furniture apart from a dresser and a twin sized bed so there's not a lot for me to do in her room right now, but I did get the bed made up. I worked really hard today and I'm tired, but there is a sense of satisfaction in knowing I'm a little closer to the organized home I want.

Carys turned 22 weeks today - according to my pregnancy tracker, she is 11 inches from head to toe and weighs about a pound. That's a far cry from the little poppy seed she was when we found out about her! I have begun to really enjoy the mornings -- It is so peaceful to lie there still and feel her moving and kicking. I told J that those moments are when I'm the most at peace... when my baby is moving. We are two weeks away from Carys being considered 'viable' outside of the womb. Which means from that point on, the danger will change from miscarriage to premature labor! I am thankful for every day I'm given with her, and I pray that we will both stay healthy until she's good and ready for the outside world.

Although I'm nervous about the new challenges of motherhood, I feel ready, too. I am lucky to have a strong support system of family that has been through it that I know will be there to answer questions and offer help when I need it. It is important to me that I am open with my pregnancy and that when the time comes, that I share some of the experience of her childhood with my family. I am blessed to have my husband, my child, and this wonderful network of people that love us.